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a boy pulled down my daughter's pants at school. Her underwear came down too and all the kids laughed including the boy. What...


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luvmom May 2, 2011


My daughter who is 8yrs old was so humiliated and embarrassed when a boy in her afterschool class pulled down her pants and underwear in front of everyone. This happened on a Friday right afterschool when they were outside standing in line ready for an afterschool program to begin. This afterschool program is a partnership program with my daughter school and is held right there at the school. Her private area was exposed to the whole group and all the kids including the boy all laughed at her. Her afterschool teacher saw her crying and asked what was wrong. When she told her what had happened the teacher brought the boy over but he denied doing so. My child was left then on the side bench crying and panting of embarrassment while the boy was sent back to join the rest of the kids inline and the teacher went back to lead her students inline. As they normally do on every Fridays when kids are inline, the director and the teachers play some sort of games with them before they go inside. They went on with their games while my child sat on the side still crying. My daughter said she cried the whole time. She finally stopped and followed them in when they were all done playing the games. When I picked up my child later that day her teacher informed me of what happened and that she talked to the boy's father when he picked him up but the boy denied doing such. When I approached the director about it he knew nothing of it. When I went to look for the school principle she was gone for the day. The director apologized and assured me he will take care of it on Monday. I emailed the school principle over the weekend but have not heard anything back from her. I am very upset that I'm shaking. I'm afraid I'm just going to blow up at school tomorrow. I am so upset the afterschool program director was not notified at all. And how can he not see my child crying on the side when all the kids are in line? How can this teacher dismissed this like it was nothing. I should had been contacted right away. I wanted to call the police that friday but did not. I want something done. I want this boy suspended. I want his parents to be advice of what their son had done. Please let me know what you think and what is your advice?

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Ely928 May 2, 2011


If the boy is in the same class as your daughter, ask the teacher to set up a meeting for you, the teacher and the boys parents and the Principle. If he is not, immediately speak with the Principle and have her do the same. Leaving it solely up to the school without your presence there is no indication as to what was told. If they refuse to have you speak to the parents of the boy, report it to the department of education. We want to make sure that this behavior is seriously not tolerarted and he should be held accountable for it. Everyone who laughed at your daughter should have their parents notified as to how bullying starts. Do Not let this go! Remember, this stays with your daughter for sometime and you have every reason to be at the brink of tears. Demand justice in this matter and make sure you find that actions were taken instead of gauranteeing you something was done i.e, like calling his parents to notify is not enough! find out who the parnets are and explained to them first. Remember that sometimes the parents have no idea on how their children really behave in school, and if they become very deffensive about it, then you have a bigger problem, but so do they for as long as they tolerate misbeaving children. Again get to know who they are first and express how traumatic this is for you and your child. Good Luck.

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TeacherParent May 2, 2011


I'd consider withdrawing my child from any program that's so poorly run but sometimes we have to work with the situation because we need the care it provides our children. But nothing about this was handled appropriately - that one child denies something means nothing. That your daughter was clearly so upset should have been addressed, not ignored. That alone makes me think there's something terribly wrong with the program - why was your daughter left to cry alone?? There were several teachers there - why didn't one remain with your daughter? It's usually the case that a teacher or an aide remains with a crying child. And the Director didn't notice your daughter crying on the bench while they were playing games? Why didn't he send a teacher over?? Is it their policy to allow children to sit on the bench and cry?

If you need this program to provide care for your daughter, you'll have to control your understandable anger to ask those questions. Once those questions are answered, you'll have to move to the harder ones of how they're going to move forward with this.

"Pantsing" a girl is not acceptable behavior - regardless of how young this boy is, this is sexual harassment. It's not teasing, it's not 'boys will be boys' - it's abusive behavior and no boy is too young to learn that lesson.

It's unusual advice for me but this is an unusually upsetting situation - I'd consider talking to a lawyer. Not because you want to sue but because you don't want to be dismissed.

Can your daughter really continue in this program? Her trust of these people may have been completely destroyed. What happened to her is horrific - and they did nothing. In fact, this young boy should be put on warning - he should apologize to your daughter, he should show genuine remorse, and only if he does both those things should he be allowed to remain in the program and even then he should be on probation. If another incident like this occurs, he should be dismissed from the program.

When something like this happens in the well-run program, other children are asked what they saw. Do the children wait in line by themselves without adult supervision? That should never happen either.

I'm very sorry that this happened to your daughter. I hope you can work this out in the best way possible.

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luvmom May 2, 2011


Thanks Ely and Teacherparent, your advice has been very helpful.

I met with the principle today and had request a meeting with the afterschool program director, my child program teacher, the school principle and the parents. The principle agreed to make this arrangement. I am withdrawing my child from this program but still want answers from them. I had so much confience in this program and that is why its so upsetting to learn this. This boy is not only in the same class in this program with my child but also in her 2nd grade class at school.

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SumoGirl May 2, 2011


I came across this site by accident from a junior high school site named for a friend of mine from college. Very weird linkage but I ended up on this web page and saw the title of your post and after reading it felt compelled to respond to your problem. I registered on the site so I could post a reply.

I'm the caretaker of my niece and nephews (9 yr old twin boy and girl and 11 yr old boy), and I'm also a mental health advocate. My niece did not speak in school until the very last month of kindergarten--incredibly shy w/selective mutism, but completely social now. If something like that happened to my niece (or nephews), I might have caused a major uproar--which is one reason I suggest you put aside emotion and diligently work on discussing the incident with your school principal first and then the boy's parents in a meeting with the principal. The teacher has proven herself/himself incapable of dealing with this kind of behavior. You have already received two great pieces of advice on this forum and must not let this go. Your daughter has to continue going to school of course, but I suggest you have a talk with her to make sure she is okay psychologically and knows children can be very mean on purpose (hideous boy) and also by default (some were laughing just to get along so they won't also be victimized). Such humiliating incidents can affect people for years after the experience--usually without even realizing its connection to social discomfort. Your daughter may just need to know that you understand her feelings and that she is a very brave girl with no reason to be ashamed. Of course you have probably already done all that but it sometimes helps to check in on her just to make sure she's getting over it. As long as you are able to stay the course and be supportive, I think your daughter will be fine as opposed to traumatized. This boy is probably a troublemaker allowed to victimize his fellow students--who knows what kind of parenting is going on at his home. You may even decide the incident is worth consulting a lawyer as was previously suggested. In any case, I'm so sorry such things happen and wish you the best in following up on this incident. Even if the boy is let go with just a reprimand, your daughter is way ahead of the curve by virtue of the fact that you stood by her and acknowledged that such behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated--something she already knew at the time it happened even if the teacher was mentally AWOL.

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SumoGirl May 2, 2011


OOPS, you've already taken care of things and are well on your way to a resolution. Sorry for the late advice!!

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luvmom May 3, 2011


Sumogirl thank you some much for your words of encouragement, it really helps cause I'm loosing it here.
I got a call earlier from the director of the afterschool program informing me that they're suspending the boy for two days from the program. That is like a SLAP on my face! Two days for what happened to my child. Even though I'm pulling my child out of this program this boy is still in my daughter's 2nd grade class. The school will do some sort of decipline but they are not suspending him because this incident did not happen during school but at an afterschool program. If the school cannot suspend him I want at least a whole week suspension from the program. This is a 3hrs aftereschool program and taking two days off it does not do anything.

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joeparent9 May 3, 2011


Everyone here is so polite. I'll tell you like it is. Legally, your daughter was criminally assaulted. Just because she is under 18 does not make it less of a crime under the California Penal Code. You have the right to call the police, fill out a police report, and have the boys arrested.

Short of this, that afterschool program has low class students. Get out of it. There are kids who are born to crack mommas and learn all the dirty street tricks of the trade on how to dehumanize women at a very early age, learning to disrespect them and laugh at it. Is your daughter's school in a low income inner city school? Do you want her to grow up in a "Up the down staircase" type of environment?

Threaten that you will report the crime to the police. If the admins still ignore you, then ignore them and file a police report, then they will investigate it, turn the case over to the DA, and have a juvenile hearing with the boys.

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joeparent9 May 3, 2011


I have a friend who is a substitute Kinder teacher in South Central LA. He once witnessed 2 boys holding down a girl of the opposite skin color, one of them holding her down and saying, "f*ck her up" while the other boy felt her up. These are 5 year old and don't have gratification at this point so they must have learned it from the older boys in their low income neighborhood.


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cpanozzo May 4, 2011


I would demand the boy that did this to your daughter be kicked out of this program. HE is at fault and should be punished. I believe he should be suspended from school as well. There is NO excuse for him putting his hands on anyone. Don't let the school try to sweep this under the rug and hope you will just go away. Your daughter deserves better. As for the teacher who did nothing, she should be written up or punished in some way for not removing that boy from the group and isolating him for the remainder of the day. YOU are the only advocate for your child, so don't be afraid to stand up for her. My son suffered a year of bullying at his elementary school and I have been through this. Stay on top of them! Good luck and I hope your daughter is feeling better. It makes me so angry to hear about children being bullied!

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joeparent9 May 4, 2011


Sexual battery is a crime. Contact the police and ask them for advice. The DA's office will help too. Fight for your daughters future mental health.



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