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Child failed out of college,first semester, HELP!!
Anonymous January 2, 2009
My child has just failed his first semester in college, away from home. He has the ability, although mildly motivated. It seems like he skipped many classes and assignments. I had an incling there was a problem and visited the small school about a month and a half ago. Professors said my child missed many classes. My child also admits to socializing too much with his new freedom. It appears as if drigs/alcohol are not an issue.
I'm lost as what to do. We drove up today to empty his dorm room, it was so sad.
I work in a school and deal with these issues alot but when it becomes personal.I feel lost.
The plan is to maybe enroll him in a community college, bring up his grades, and he'd like very much to try to re-enter the college that dismissed him, or enroll him in a local branch of a larger university for now. This local branch is not a large school.
Any suggestions, please!!
healthy11 September 28, 2009
tryingtohelp, you've mentioned that you want your son to be successful and happy. Right now, it sounds like he IS happier not being in school, and having a full-time job as a teen IS successful, at least relative to other kids. (What kind of job does he have?) At some point perhaps he'll realize that some of his former friends are moving forward with other aspects of their lives, while his daily existence is going to be pretty much same 'ol, same 'ol from here on out. I don't know if he'll come to that realization in January, or next summer, or even later, but I suspect he will eventually decide he doesn't want to be stuck in the same place forever.
Earlier you mentioned the possibility that your son has ADHD. What came of that evaluation? I'd like to invite you to join several more of us parents on another young adult forum, geared to kids who have had learning and attentional issues...it's at http://millermom.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=college You'll see you're not alone...18292
tryingtohelp September 29, 2009
Hi,
The evaluation indicated that ADHD (inattentive type ) is the dx.He currently works at an ice cream store, a job he's had for two summers, and now.
I'm a special educator in a high school so I deal with these issues all day, but when it's personal, it's different. for me at least. I know "what" to do in most cases but emotionally I'm confused, at times.
I'll check the forum you've mentioned, thanks again.
18291
healthy11 September 29, 2009
tryingtohelp, you'll be "in good company" on the other forum, as there's another poster, teacherabc, who also is a special ed instructor, and she's dealing with one particular student who, for all practical purposes, she's "adopted" as her own. He's trying to make it as a freshman, but has a lot of challenges. She's shared the same kinds of feelings as you have, where it's much more complicated when you're trying to assist someone who is close to you!18290
tryingtohelp December 13, 2009
OK, I'm back. So as you've read in the past college has not been successful for my son. We've tried counseling. meds. career counseling, community college, and now he's working full-time, helping to pay his phone bill, car insurance, gas money, and all his own personal expenses. Here's my question, we have told our son (19) that in March we'd like to know his plan for the future, not in detail, but some general direction; college, tech school, trade school, work full-time and pay for more expenses (rent). Does that seem reasonable.
18289
healthy11 December 13, 2009
Kudos on your son getting a full time job. Yes, I think your plan sounds reasonable. If he is not planning on returning to school soon, then I think he does need to take on more responsibility for his living expenses like rent.
(My son's part-time job at the local movie theater, which they previously allowed him to return to over winter and summer breaks, has been "eliminated." They told him that they've hired some new high school students and those kids can work a more regular schedule. It's still not fulltime, so even if my son stopped attending college and was available more regularly, he wouldn't be able to rely on that former job to "pay the rent.")18288
MagnetMom December 13, 2009
I think you're being reasonable. You've given him time, he's had some successes, and now you'd like to see him make plans to be self-supporting. You're not springing it on him, you're giving him time to consider options.
I also want to give you a lot of credit for the restraint you're showing. I know it's not easy, but you're on the right track. As the time comes closer, look for occupational centers/adult ed in your area. If the time comes and says he doesn't know, then provide him with those suggestions (of places, not careers). If he wants you or your husband to visit with him, go. If not, encourage him to do it himself.18287
tryingtohelp December 13, 2009
Thanks for getting back so soon. Ok, let's project to march and what if my son says he'd rather work and not go to school. It wouldn't make us happy but we're going with the flow, so far. He's really not making much money but to his credit he's working full-time and paying for what we've asked him to so far.He's as pleasant as 19yo can be (actually most of the time), keeps his curfew and presents no real problems, except hours of video games being played.
Being two educators at home, this is difficult, but we need to follow what our son chooses, he's 19.
Make sense??18286
healthy11 December 13, 2009
Yes, it does make sense. What you might do before March is to prepare a spreadsheet indicting what the monthly costs are to maintain your home, taxes, etc. as well as costs for things like food, etc. You might also clip a few local apartment rental ads, so your son has a "basis of comparison" for what it might cost to live on his own (estimating in cost of utilities, too.)
I would hope that after seeing how expensive it is, and hopefully figuring out that he doesn't want to stay in a minimum wage job for the rest of his life, your son will eventually realize that going back to school is a wise thing to do.
Truthfully, I think many 19-year-olds prefer to "live in the moment" and avoid thinking about what life might be like a couple of years from now, but as he matures, he may see the value of an education more than he appreciates it now. Hang in there!18285
tryingtohelp December 26, 2009
Happy holidays.new year guys. Ok, much to my surprise after discussing/allowing my son to enter a video tournament out of state, only if he pays all expenses and gives us all the needed info, he says...much to our shock, that he's thinking of returning to school in Sept. 2010. Just about fell off of my seat. We did not make his attending the video tournament contingent upon school. He brought up the topic himself.We have stayed off of the topic for now and given him space. Whether he actually goes or not is another story but al least he's been thinking about it. What a surprise!
He continues to work full-time and pay expenses we expect of him. He keeps curfew and really isn't a problem, except for his poor sleeping habits (goes to bed at 1am and falls asleep later on.) Can't wake himself up despite extra loud alarm clocks.We have to wake him up from a dead sleep. No solution for this in sight. He says he's not tired but does play video games alot to stay up. We've set a 1am limit, whic he usually keeps to.
So.... the good news he's thinking of college, unprompted by us, I'm shocked. We'll see if he really goes, maybe.Bad news his sleepings a problema as I've described but he seems to keeping his full-time job and paying bills.
We need to work on the sleep problem but we're encouraged by the college conversation.
Thoughts??18284
healthy11 December 26, 2009
Keeping his job and paying bills are major responsibilities! Talking about returning to college is wonderful! In bed by 1 a.m.? I WISH my son was home by 1 a.m., but most nights, he isn't. It seems like most nights he comes in by 2 a.m., and obviously goes to sleep even later than that. He grumbles when he has to wake up before noon, although he can get himself up if he has to.
There have been actual studies done that show the "biological clocks" of adolescents favor a late bed/late rise time. I've read suggestions on trying to "reset" one's clock by going to bed 1/2 hour earlier every week, and let your body gradually adjust, but a person has to WANT to do it. My son doesn't see anything wrong with staying up 'til the wee hours of the morning. I even showed him a study that says the GPA's of students who are early risers are generally a full point (one entire grade) higher, on average, than students who stay up late, but he doesn't care. (I want to say the averages were 3.4 versus 2.4 but I can't find the article at the moment. If I do, I'll post it for you.)
Some people say that taking melatonin can help a person fall asleep faster, if that's a complaint your son has, but again, he's got to want to change his sleeping habits, and many adolescents/video gamers don't. I wish I had an answer.18283
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