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need help with my 13 year old daughter


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debrasuefitzge December 11, 2008


my daughter is 13 and she is lashing out at me because her real father doesn't want any thing to do with her,and she wants to see him.he walked out when she was born and only seen her 1 time when she was 7.what do i do.need some advice on how to handle this.and its causing severe problems in her school performance,she cant concentrate on her studies and grades are slipping and she crys all the time.what can i do for her.i try ed school counseling and that's not working.please help need some advice.

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healthy11 December 11, 2008


School counselors are not usually clinical psychologists, so they're not properly trained to address every situation. I would urge you to get a referral from your pediatrician or find a private family therapist who can meet with you and your daughter.

I can't help but wonder WHY your daughter developed this strong desire to see her birth father now? I realize she's probably hit puberty, and the hormonal fluctuations can cause all adolescents to act out against parents, but I wonder if she's being teased by kids at school, and somehow hopes she can leave and go live elsewhere, or ?? Do you know the whereabouts of her birth father? If he's as "uninterested" in your daughter as you say, maybe you could try to arrange a visit together, and then she'd see that he's not the "wonderful dad" she's imagining.

For general advice on raising teens, I highly recommend the book by Anthony Wolf "Get Out of My Life: But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" Also, you may want to join Greatschools Middle School Parents Group at http://community.greatschools.net/groups/11528, if you aren't already a member.

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hockeymum December 11, 2008


http://www.amazon.com/Reviving-Ophelia-Adolescent-Ballantine-Readers/dp/0345392825

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls Is a fantastic book. I just re-read it recently and there are many stories of angry young girls who felt like your daughter and how to help them. I agree with Healthy to get a family therapist as soon as possible.


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debrasuefitzge December 11, 2008


healthy11,my mom gave her a picture of me and him over the weekend and now she is wanting to see him,i called him this morning at his moms and he said he wants nothing to do with her are me,i told him im married now for 11 years and my husband has been dad to her since she was 9 months old.and that she still wants a relationship with him,and he said let the one who raises her still be daddy i dont want to be her dadddy.so what do i tell her.my husband is upset he said he knows he is not her real dady but in every since of the way he is and she use to call my husband daddy until a few days ago and he is hurting alot he loves her a his own.how do you tell a 13 year old her daddy doesnt want any kind of father daughter relationship.

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maggie93215 December 11, 2008


I am so sorry for your daughter, there is no easy way to solve this problem. I think you should be honest, let her know that you are/ did your best to reach out her dad. Have her write him a letter and mail it to his address. Set up a meeting with you, daughter, and the bio. dad. Next, you really need to talk to your daughter about your husband and how she has hurt his feelings. explain to her what being a dad is about, not making the baby but loving it, hugging , caring, sharing lifes moments. I come from a similar situation only I was raised wtith my father, however his wife and I didn't get along my mom was never around but it was her choice to not be there. Just as it is the bio. dad he chooses to not be apart of your daughters life maybe she needs to hear or see it for herself.
Of course counseling will be needed for all of you as a family, because I am sure your husband is so very hurt, and your daughter needs to understand to know that this man (your husband ) wants to be her dad!
Best wishes.

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debrasuefitzge December 11, 2008


thanks maggie,i ran into him tonight at walmart and my daughter tryed to talk to him and he kept walking away from her and would not take the time to stop to here what she wanted to say.she ran out the store crying,and my husband ran after her and he told her im daddy and i love you and i will never be to busy to talk to you.and he hugged her and they went back in the store togather.and tommorow they are going to the movies by their self.thank you for your advice and for caring and your thoughtfulness

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debrasuefitzge December 13, 2008


thank you healthy11,i will check that book out and thanks for your advice it was very helpful

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debrasuefitzge December 13, 2008


maggie,thanks again for your advice ,you were helpful.

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vacekd1001 December 15, 2008


deb your husband sounds like a great guy. this might not mean a lot now. however your daughter will appreciate all you and your husband have done for her latter in life.
help your husband to not take what your daughter says personally. it does not have anything to do with him. it is just something she is going through now.

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debrasuefitzge December 15, 2008


thank you for your advice vacekd1001,you are very helpful thanks again.

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momedwards December 16, 2008


Well i will start with this. How is her relationship with her dad?(the one who raised her). And second i will say that you might aproach this in an alternate way.Ask her a qwestion like( Hey, if we moved into a new house and there was a kitten left there that she took in and raised for a very long time, does it really belong to her? or does the prev. owner have a right to say hey thats my cat. and when she answeres it with, well thats my cat now because i raised it, try to find the simularity in the simular situation. Then ask her what her idea of a dad is. and then ask her where she can find that in her own life experience.Sometimes its easier to find the answere if your not the one with the qwestion. do you no what i mean? And let it go with that and let her think in her own time about it and sort threw it. And as for your husb. all i can tell you is that he is very hurt im sure but it will all work out and when she does come arround it will mean all the more to the both of them. I would def. talk to her and find out openly what she thinks of her relationship with your husband. There could be more going on there than meets the eye. But hang in there and never mis a chance to tell her how much she means to the both of you.



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