What's your discipline style?
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Similarities in discipline theories
Although the discipline field is vast, many of the most popular discipline books address similar themes. Here are some of the big ones:
1. Aim for the middle ground between being too punitive and too permissive.
2. Don't use physical punishments like spanking and slapping.
3. Don't use psychological punishments such as name-calling and insults.
4. When you or your child spiral out of control, take time to cool off.
5. Offer choices.
6. Learn how to manage your own anger.
7. Provide encouragement and positive feedback.
8. Let your child experience consequences to behavior.
9. Don't hold grudges. Once the behavior has been dealt with, give your child a clean slate.
By Evonne Lack
Five basic discipline philosophies
Take a look at these categories of discipline approaches and see what appeals to you:
1. Boundary-based discipline: Children need boundaries to feel safe. If they don't know where the boundaries are, they'll "test" until they find them. "What happens if I throw my spoon?" a toddler wonders, clanging his spoon noisily onto the floor. "Hmm ... not much of a reaction. How about if I throw my entire plate?" An older child might test limits by leaving her colored pencils in a glorious mess on the rug, or by taking several decades to get ready in the mornings.
Clearly communicate your boundaries (for example, "Please put my things back in my purse when you're done looking at them"). If this doesn't do the trick, follow through with a consequence. Try to make the consequence a logical fit for the behavior. For example, if your child leaves your wallet, hairbrush, and car keys strewn around the living room floor, she loses purse-inspection privileges for a while.
Use "natural consequences," too. For example, if your child forgets his lunch box, don't rush it to school. Instead, let him experience the consequences.
Provide "limited choices" to give your child some wiggle room. Suppose your 5-year-old is loudly banging on her electronic toy piano, with the volume on maximum. Through your migraine, you respectfully ask her to turn it down. She ignores you. Offer a choice: "You can either turn the volume down now, or I'll put the piano away until tomorrow." This puts the responsibility in her hands.
2. Gentle discipline: A child can't learn much about behavior when she's screaming and crying. She (and you) can benefit greatly from daily preventive techniques — strategies that reduce opportunities for misbehavior.
For example, create routines so that your child feels grounded. Offer choices to give her a sense of control, such as, "Would you like to wear the red pajamas or the blue?" Give warnings before transitions, as in, "We need to leave the playground in five minutes."
Frame your requests positively. For example, say, "Please use your big girl voice," instead of, "Don't whine." When possible, use "when, then" statements instead of outright no's, as in, "When we're done with dinner, then we can go outside."
When misbehavior occurs, turn to diffusion. First see if there's an underlying problem, such as tiredness, boredom, or hunger. Once you address this need, the misbehavior may magically disappear.
If not, turn to what author Elizabeth Pantley calls a "laundry bag" of tricks. This is a large collection, including silly games, distraction, redirection, validation, and self-soothing. You can pull a trick out of your hat — er, laundry bag — whenever it's time to derail your child from the misbehavior train.
For example, if he refuses to take a bath, try making the washcloth "talk" to him in a playful voice. If this doesn't work, you can try something else, such as validation and redirection ("It's hard when you have to do something you don't want to do. How about if we see how quickly we can get it done? I'll get a clock.")