I found out my sixth-grader has a boyfriend

By Debra Collins, Family Therapist

Question:

My daughter is going into sixth grade this fall. I discovered by accident that she has had a boyfriend, who is also in her class, for about four months. How do I talk to her about this?

Answer:

My question is how did you find out? This might determine how you want to disclose that information to her. In general, being direct and honest is usually a good place to start, especially if you want her to communicate that way with you.

You could begin by saying something like, “I want you to be able to come to me about the important things that are happening in your life. I realize you are getting older and want privacy, but there are still certain guidelines I have for making sure you are safe.”

You can then ask her if she has a boyfriend and tell her how you heard about it. If you feel that you found out about it in an inappropriate way, tell her that in the future you would like to know such things through conversations with her.

Even if she denies it (it is possible that the relationship is over now), you can use this conversation as an opportunity to begin having those tough discussions about dating and growing up. If she says she didn’t want to tell you because you would overreact, ask her what her fears are about how you handle things. Try to remain calm and neutral, and don’t lecture. Ask her what she thinks about dating and what dating means to her, before offering your opinion and, ultimately, your rules.
Be clear on what is nonnegotiable.

Also, what are her expectations of her relationships in middle school? Will the boyfriend make her feel more grown-up or less alone? Who is in her support network entering middle school?

Every parent and family needs to determine what their values are and what they will or will not allow at different ages. How you handle this situation can be a chance to correct any misconceptions or bad communication in the past and set new appropriate guidelines.

Sneaking around can cause more problems. Ask to meet the boyfriend and his parents. This can also help you gain insight and encourage expectations that are clear for everyone. There are many difficult choices ahead of her. By laying the foundation for an open and trusting relationship, you will encourage her to share her experiences with you.

Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Debra has worked in both primary and middle schools as a school counselor. She gives workshops to teachers and students, and offers parenting classes in the San Francisco Bay Area. Debra is also a clinical supervisor for a mental health clinic serving schools in the area. To learn more, visit her Web site.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment from a health-care provider or learning expert familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's condition.

Comments from GreatSchools.org readers

08/18/2009:

"How old is the 6th grader. I do not think it is ok to have a boyfriend even at fourteen. They need to be making friends. Their mind need to be focused on other things. That is way to young and she needs to tell her that he can be a friend but she is to young."

08/18/2009:

"What's wrong with this picture? This is what is wrong with our culture...no 6th grader should have a boyfriend or girlfriend. What kind of 'Values' say this is okay? Values aren't a 'What's good for me' and relative truth scenerio. Values and right and wrong don't change, that's the liberal professionals trying to educate you. I would suggest referring to the bible and a good church to teach what values are and how to raise Godly children. I am not surprised that this is another Great Schools professional from San Francisco (one of the most liberal states in the country) giving advice about children to parents, your better with resources from Focus on the Family. "