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Nine ways to eliminate bullying

Page 3 of 3
By GreatSchools Staff
 

Get the whole school community involved:

A mom from New Jersey writes, "I believe that the whole community is responsible for our children. It is obvious that parents and caregivers are primarily responsible for raising children, however, the community is also responsible for their care and well being.

When parents and caregivers along with teachers and coaches and members of the community, all come together in a basic philosophy to "reach out and connect" with our children we are all one step ahead of the game. The more people that know the child and show the child that there are people who know them and care about them, the more children will reach out for help, victims and more importantly, the bully himself."

A parent's visit to the school can make a difference:

A parent of a 6-year-old writes, "I have a second-grader who was being bullied the first week she started school (this is a new school for her and the young lady that did the bullying). My daughter is well versed in this kind of situation because this is not the first time something like this has happened. She knew to report the problem to her teacher and to the teacher of the little lady that was causing the problem. When that didn't work, because teachers seem to never believe the kids at first, I just went to the school and did as my daughter had previously done. I also let the "bully" see my face and know that I was aware of the situation, without saying, and we haven't had a problem since. I think that a parent's presence, at least at the elementary school level, can scare off a bully in some instances. It seemed to help when the other kid realized that my daughter was not alone."

Some tips from a school counselor:

A licensed school counselor from New Mexico offers this advice: " have found that how the victim acts is a critical factor as to whether the victim continues to get bullied or not. A lot of victims I have helped have tended to be the youngest or smallest in their family or class or for their age. Some have been the biggest or tallest or have some feature that other kids will pick on. As a result the victim may attempt to hide, be less noticeable, walk more slowly, cower, hide under his/her hoodie. Sadly such behaviors often only entice bullying further.

"One of the best defenses against bullying is the one-liner. The trick is in the delivery. For instance if the victim delivers a one-liner without immediately walking away, he/she leaves him/herself open for verbal intimidation. This can attract attention which inevitably leads to people taking sides and an escalation of the situation. A one-liner is something that puts the responsibility back on the one initiating the confrontation, e. g., the victim says "Gee, I'm sorry you are having a really bad day today!" or "What a waste of a good brain!" If the victim can deliver this brief message, immediately walk away with head held high, the bully is usually too surprised or confused to immediately react.

"Bullies are usually victims of bullying themselves, i.e., from older siblings. Encouraging kids to have healthy personal boundaries is the first step to reduce bullying. Educating kids how to communicate appropriately, effectively and respectfully is something school staff and family can do. Ultimately kids need to know that whatever they are feeling, they can confide in a safe environment and trust that someone cares enough to pay attention to what they are saying."

 
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Comments from GreatSchools.org readers

08/4/2009:
"Both my Daughters was bullied from Elementary to Middle. The Schools need to be more follow thru About punishment for the BULLIERS. 1ST time get caregiver up to school for conference 2ND Suspension for 3 or more days. 3RD file Assault charges with police.4th EXPULSION from School."
07/11/2008:
"Private School Bullying As an educator for 20 years and having won many national awards/grants, I would say that bullying is more prevalent and harder to address in private schools. My child attended a private school with impressive buildings/grounds in NC and for two years I have been trying to address bullying behaviors against my child: The teachers are reluctant to help because they align more closely with parents who they knew when their children were attendees, and the younger siblings of these children (although high expectations, low professionalism). The quantity of children that a family sends to a private school seems to be problematic in correcting the student's/teacher's behaviors (total amount of money per family). The administrator is accountable to no one and will say anything to discourage communication about bullying (no superintendent of schools to address the issues, no Department of Education available). Years ago, I was lucky to be in an area of the US that was one of the first to regularly put time aside in the schools to teach students about bullying so I know that meaningful programs can be implemented with a minimum of time or resources invested. The last time I went to the school to make the teacher aware of the many children who were practicing various abuses against my child I gave her a copy of Reviving Ophelia, considered the quintessential book on the topic of girl-on-girl bullying, which she returned to me later with a clear message that she did not even read it. We removed our child from this school and are happy that the new school, though it may not have the academics or pretty campus, is a more loving environment. By the way, my child is quite bright and was physically, verbally, and relationally abused regularly by the 'C' average child of a local truck driver who has siblings in the school. My husband and I have two degrees each; from large, regional universities."
11/7/2007:
"I was suprised how this information applies to us for school, family and safety. It is exactly on point of what we as parents go through, at home and at school. A well deserved punishment along with a verbal or non-verbal message takes away the abusers control of the situation. Noone deserves abuse. The abuser is a coward and seeks attention and thinks he'' win the respect of peers. Teach at home well deserved manners, don't let childen have control, (at home or school), treat people with respect, or else suffer the consequences. Bullying leads to criminal activty. These problems have good solutions. Get away from the torment, we don't need it in our lives. "
11/6/2007:
"We need to be very careful about what we say to our kids who are being bullied. I was bullied in 6th grade to the point where I had to leave the school. I was told 'stand up to them and they'll leave you alone'. The problem was that didn't work and only seemed to provoke them further. Would you say that to an adult man who was just mugged by 5 thugs in an alley? 'Oh, if you'd just stood up to them those bullies would have backed down'. No, we'd say call the police because these are violent criminals. Why do we expect a defenseless child to handle these types of situations on their own when we wouldn't ask it of an adult? Sadly, some of our children are just as vicious and dangerous. Low level bullies might be afraid of someone who stands up for themselves. But many just get worse, much worse, if you challenge them. Its a very complicated issue and we run the risk of making things even more difficult for our chldren if we don't put careful thought into what we say to them. ! Putting all the responsibility on their tiny shoulders is cruel. Bullying can have far reaching consequences and should be taken seriously."
11/5/2007:
"My 5yr old daughter was a victim of 'Mean girl bullying' in kindergaten. My 5yr old daughter has a very quiet,shy, or timid disposition. Therefore, from my point of view more aggresive children tend to take advantage of her. On top of her meek personality, she has a speech impediment. She became very tramatized by the bullying. It started with 2 children than evolved to about 5. My daughter never discussed the bullying with us, until it resulted in 5 children physically hitting her. She woke up in the middle of the night crying, telling us how afraid she was to go back to school, and how 5 kids teased and hit her. We went to the the school the next morning furious. To make a long story short,my view is that alot of the responsibilty is also on the school, young children should be monitored more closely,to prevent such behavior.Teachers and Staff should constantly demonstrate the importance of encoraging students to be respectful to one another. It was very hurtful for me and! my husband to watch my daughter suffer everyday before going to school. She claimed having stomach aches to keep from going to school. The bullying also distracted her from learning, she fell behind in kindergarden. The bullying subsided once we expressed how upset we were over the incident.The bullying was going on alot longer than we thought,my daughter just suddenly had a breaking point.It became too overwhelming for her when the hitting & teasing became involved. No child should have to endure such behavior."
11/2/2007:
"Wow, I really enjoyed that! I have watched my kids go through being bullied, my daughter more than them all. She is very quiet, and tends to keep to herself. She is a very good student and this has seemed to attract negative attention from small minded teachers and students. I agree wholeheartedly that parents should always be involved."
11/1/2007:
"I always tell my daughter to report any mean girl or boy that bullies her and I'll personally go to the school, so I can let the people working there and getting paid with our tax money know exactly what's going on, while they don't watch the students. A lawsuit will be the perfect solution, and the School Districts doesn't want to fight a Lawsuit. To let it continue is wrong and most teachers will do something about it by contacting the parents of the Bullies. If nothing is done then the plan is to sue the school or School District because the parents of the Bullies must not have ( too much ) money. You go after the source and I don't mean the Bully and your Attorney will agree with you. The money collected from the Lawsuit can pay for a Private Education at a Private School, where there is hardly any Bullying."
10/22/2007:
"Many years ago,as a very young girl, in an era when little girls had to wear skirts or dreses to school and wore white gloves to Sunday school, I was bullied in the first and second grades by a group of 5-6 boys who would taunt and threaten me and follow me when I was walking home each day after school. They would threaten to 'pull down my underpants' (a shocking terrifying threat in that era) and say other rude frightening things. I did everything I could to avoid them, walking home different ways every day even if it was far out of my way and it took an hour to walk the three blocks home. I would wait until I thought everyone had left for the day then peek outside to see if they were waiting for me. Finally I told my mother, she worked and couldn't walk me home so she arranged for me to walk home with a neighbor who escorted her own daughter home. One day, I was trailing behind them, lugging my heavy bookbag, very tired after a full day of school, and couldn't keep up. Out! of the bushes jumped the boys who made the usual circle around me and made the usual threats. This had been going on for about a year and I just couldn't take it any more, something snapped! To my surprise and theirs, holding tightly to the handle of my book bag, I spun quickly in a circle and working up some momentum, I mowed them down one after another with the bag full of heavy text books! At least two were knocked to the ground and the bag connected with the others, doubling them over or delivering a resounding thud. They were taken by complete surprise and were shocked. One of the ringleaders was knocked to the ground and was crying. I never said a word. I just stepped over the ones on the ground and walked straight home. They NEVER bothered me again. But even more importantly, I was never AFRAID again, never walked the long way around, and no longer sat in school all day distracted, unable to concentrate worrying about how I was going to manage to get home atthe end ! of the day without being terrorized. "
10/19/2007:
"I teach at a magnet, fine arts school. Bullying does not always mean taking something. It can be in many forms, including hiding someone's dance tights, homework, texting, and the list goes on. I started 'Chicks and Cliques' last year for our middle school girls. WE are seeing about 35 girls each month. We, as adults, must make sure that the adults are not bullies. The conversations from these young ladies have been eye-opening. We now make sure that teachers are posted at classroom doors throughout campus. Teaching young ladies that they cannot be bullied without their permission has helped our students."
10/19/2007:
"My 3rd grade grandaughter was being bullied, she told the teacher who blew her off, I went down to the school and talked to her she told me she wasn't being bullied that she had seen. So sympathy at home stopped,she stole some money and was punished by 'shunning'the I picked her up from school one day and heard someone calling my name- it was her teacher telling me it was true she was being bullied and had paid a bystander $10 for rescuing her.She got our attention and I felt horrible . "
10/19/2007:
"I was being picked on in the 7th grade by a girl in my gym class for no reason. One day after class, she followed me to my locker & cornered me in a threatening manner. I didn't know what to do. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the leg of another girl kick open the locker door (one of those elongated ones). She got in between us & stood up to my bully. She stared her in the face & said,'LEAVE HER ALONE!' My bully never bothered me again! BTW, the girl who stuck up for me was shorter than me AND the bully! Sometimes in these situations, size really doesn't matter! Later, in high school, I was picked on again by 2 girls who were jealous of my grades. This time, I stood up to them myself & that was the end of that!"
10/18/2007:
"I agree that the bully problem in this country is a terrible problem. For the children who are a little differsnt such as my son who has ADHD and has a hard time maling friends, he gets bullied. He was bullied all the way through 5th grade, and did tell the teachers as we did also. When they did nothing the bullying excalated until one day when our son was followed home and pushed off of his bike by not one but 5 boys. Our soon came home crying. The bullied stood in the road flipping me off, well my husband and I got in to our car and chased them down to their apartments only to discover they were home alone. Guess what, we called the police. Do you think anything came out of it. Only the fact that we scared them. The principal did nothing because it was the end of the school year. Thank goodness, our son isn't at that school anymore. But as a teacher or principal, they should take the responsibilty and do something right away. Our son is getting bullied again this year. Lu! ckily, the school has a pretty stiff anti bullying policy. Schools should teach kids to be more tolerant of kids who are different and should have assemblies and speakers who come in to address the bullying issues. It has to start somewhere, or things will never change. Frustrated in Mn"
10/18/2007:
"How sad that the school counselor's solution was that the victim change his/her behavior. I remember teachers and a bus driver telling me that in the 3rd grade-- 42 years ago-- and it still stings. No, the advice from all the others-- particularly the behavior contract between each family and the school, is all correct because it gets to the heart of the problem-- the naughty child must not be allowed the freedom to act out, whatever his issues are. "
10/18/2007:
"When my daughter was in kindergarten she was bullied by a group of boys on the bus. It went on for quite a while before she got the nerve to tell us about it. We spoke with the school principal, the childrens teachers and the bus driver. The problem was taken care of. During the discussion of how to solve the problem one of the suggestions was to have my daughter sit closer to the bus driver. This was supposed to be so that the driver could keep an eye on her. I told them, 'Absolutely not!' My child did nothing wrong. If she had to change her seat she would be getting the message that she did something wrong and needed to be punished. Let the problem children be placed under supervision at the front of the bus. Maybe that way they won't be able to terrorize another child."
10/18/2007:
"That guidance counselor seems to be focussing on blaming the victim, instead of working on identifying bullies and working to reduce their behavior. I'm now appreciating how little if any bullying there was during my school days (mid-50's to late 60's in public school). My father attended public schools in a large city. His father had been a semi-pro boxer and taught him some steps to use if needed to defend himself. When a bully picked on my father at a new school for Dad, he answered the bully's threats with a few choice punches (this was in the late 1920's). The principal watched the scene and chose to allow it to run its course as this child had bullied many others. The bully's mother even came to the school later that day; the principal explained the situation; the bullying ended (and, as it happened, the bully's family moved away). Dad only recently (at age 87) shared this story with me. Why is there so much bullying now and why do so many adults accept it as a! 'way of life.' I managed quite well without it."
10/17/2007:
"This is excellent advice - stop the bullying before it escalates. But it also needs to be addressed more often in high schools. It comes in the same issues and a whole lot of new ones (racial, territorial, boyfriend/girlfriend, bumping into someone, family problems, just the hormones alone, etc.) It's sad that others have to be afraid to go to school because an individual has issues that can be dealt with, but chooses not to."
10/17/2007:
"My son was the victim of a bully from 2nd grade until 5th grade. I thought I had taken care of it in 2nd grade but when I heard one of his friends ask if he was gay I knew the 'situation' was still there. I went to his 5th grade teacher who immediately went to the counselor. Thank goodness my son went to a great elementary school that cared. They had the bully in the office with the principal, the bully's parents and the counselor that day. The counselor also gave me ways of making my son stand up for himself. Not to look down but to give direct eye contact."
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