What you can do to stop bullying

"i have been bullied sunce 5th grade and im now going into 10th and i had to switch buses and now im switching schools im overweight so its even worse and i have gotten pushed and had death threats where people wanted me dead."

"Lousy, this is our son's third year, every year has been just as bad as the first. First: This school has a bully problem, and we have had problems since the first year. We have always taught our son to walk away from other troubled students. It hasn't always worked out for the best. His life was threatened in nineth grade (that student was removed from the school), Now he has been involved in a fight in tenth grade. Two against one. This one is ongoing, we are taking these students to court. Second: Most of the Teachers only care about the day ending. Oh, they make nice when speaking to the parents, but, treat the students like babies, not young adults. Third: The administrators all seem to try very hard, but, a few are pretending. I mean it's almost a bad thing if a student continues to attend the same school. If your student has ever been involved in any type of dispute, the memories of the administrators carry over to each year. To the point where they may pre-judge a student before knowing the full circumstances. Forth: It seems impossible to deal with anyone associated with in this school, it's as if they have a meeting and decied to lie and then they lie to protect their school, but, all the while they'll smile and play nice when speaking with the parent. Fifth: I can't believe anyone rates this school as a '9', it has one of the worst reputations. You can ask five different people what they think about this school and at least three out of five will agree it's a bad school. I always thought it was important for your child to attend the same schools throughout their school years, I was wrong. I went to several different schools and didn't experience the poor attitudes of absolutly everyone at every level that we have had during our son attending Land O Lakes High School. I know my son hates it just as much as I have hated having to be involved with his teachers as well as the staff. The worst part is he has to continue one more year. I hope and pray it gets better for him. "

"My daughter started her 9th grade freshman yr with 2 10th grade classes, which took her councilor half of the yr to get her schedule changed to the right classs. During that time she skipped those classes & spent her time hanging out in the bathroom & meeting all the wrong kids. Ofcourse i got those automated phone calls & spoke to her about, she would tell she was in class & they must have made a mistake (me not seeing the signs & trying to recall how it truely is to a teenager) Then i get a call that she was caught under the under the influance, she admitting to smoking weed in the bathroom. She was suspended for 3 days & will have spend the rest of the yr in CEP alternative school. This is not where the story ends.... She has been being bully by a group of girls (name calling, things thrown at her, lunch stolen) i ofcourse told her to ignore them at first, then i was getting calls from her teacher stating she a good student & doesnt have any problems out, i decided to ! make the teacher aware of those other girls & the teacher stated i have never seen anyone bother her but that she would talk to my daughter regarding it. That afternoon i told my daughter that i had told her teacher & she said 'mom, she knows & see's these girls doing this' Yesterday, i pick up my daughter & the councilor comes out & tells me that she walked into the gym & found her crying & that my daughter told her the girls were messing with her & that she would take care of it. Got my daughter in the car & as we drove down the rode, i kept asking her what happend, ofcourse embarrased & scared i finally got her to say they pulled her hair. I turned my car around & headed back to the school before she could say anything else, i left her in the car asked to speak to the principle & then called the police & my husband & then went back to th car to get the full story from my daughter '4 girls surrounded her, pulled her hair, kicked her, pushed her & called her names all whi! le her teacher sat 2 feet away' i always told her never to hit! anyone & she didnt. Being that this is an alternative school they do have police officers on duty all the time, but i wanted one called in. I filed assault charges on all the girls. There was actually 2 teachers & the councilor in the gym where this occurred (1 was 2 feetaway 1 on was standing across the gym on the short side & the councilor who noticed her crying after the fact was interacting with some kids across the way on the long side of the gym). My daughter did not know the name of the 2 teeachers only that one was the gym teacher & the other her history teacher. The asst principle said he could not disclose the name of the the two teachers with talking to the princple first. I explained to him i will file a complaint on the two teachers & that i hold them more accountable then the girls. Triedd to speak to the principle today, & no one called me, so i just showed up & spoke to her secretary regarding a meeting with her about the safetyof my child all the others! that are being forced to endure this torture because we as parents failed to see the signs ofcourse the principle was busy giving tours of this wonderful alternative school. I called the super. over this school & told me i would have to talk & try to resolve my issues with the principle first (the chain of command game) soooo my appointment with her is thursday april 15 at 3:30. And i did send my daughter back, being that due to excessive absences for skipping, i had to go to court & she is on probation for the remainder of the school yr & cant miss any days without having a doctor's excuse. I feel like i am fighting a no win battle but i got to keep going for my daughter's sake. If anyone has any helpful tips in dealing with the school'steachers on filing. A complaint on the teachers & maybe the school itself please let me know, i have almost 2 days before i meet with this principle "

"Well i have to agree with the post of 10/7/2009, what was suppose to be a new beginning for my daughter in High School as a Freshman and to worry about being new at this school and trying to figure out what classes or clubs you want to join and stressing not to get lost in school but know that your best friends and other familiar faces will be there for you has turned into a Nightmare. My daughter made friends with these girls since 5th grade they have been together and outings together and applied together to this High School. But after the start of the new year in Sept 09 till present it has been depressing and awful. As a parent some might say i am overprotecting and strict but casually cool at times. I have always allowed my daughter to express herself in music and art something in our strict culture is seen as weird or just plain unacceptable. I have always told her to stand up to what she believes and to defend herself. Since the young age i have alwyas tried to show her that there is an outside world out there and that she can decide what to be in life and what career choices she has in order to live outside this cultural circle I was never allowed to leave. But i guess this has now caused confusion in her mind and she is doubting herself to think that she constantly is being told she is weird. I have been hit hard with the harassment as well after ! she for the first time reacted towards me by telling me to not get involved or it will be worst for her. Although i don't see it physically yet but at first didn't know what was going on. I saw the quick change in her this bullying did. The coming home crying in the shower so i wont notice, the not eating, the waking up in the middle of the night, the hiding behind the building waiting for the bus the not wanting to do nothing. they apparently told her she was not wanted in their circle not liked, she was different and weird. Although she didn't want to say anything to me the first week i noticed that something was wrong when the weekend rolled in she told me everything that had happened during the week and why this was happening, the taunts in the school bus the taunts in school grounds. But she forbid me to get involved and that she didnt want me making it a big deal that would cause more drama and more teases for being a snitch that she needed to deal with it herself and! that she would not allow them to win. She has not missed one ! day not been late. But her grades did drop which is something that I was not happy with. She didn't want me walking her to the school bus anymore like a little girl (her words) but would allow my mother to give her a ride and drop her off like all the others. I kept questioning her everyday how it went anything i ever got was 'ok' 'good' After a month like this i had enough and called one mother in particular who of course i had befriended and asked her if she knew what was going on, she had no idea what i was talking about, and didn't want to get involved all she said where the exact same words i have been reading in the newspapers 'kids are kids and girls are cruel no biggy' i was very hurt that since it was not her daughter going thru this she didn't really care. It has been months now, I see the change in her now, things have calmed down (i think) she still continues to take the bus goes to school everyday, mentions new names all the time, little by little when we are ! having conversations she would spill out information. Come to find out that it is one particular girl who is really negative in the group and is the silent bully the one that stirs up the gossip but doesn't get involve gets others to do her work and cleans her hands onto the next, the one everyone believes because she is so outspoken and the mother is involve as well. I came across this lady who i don't know but came up to me 2 months ago and apologized to me for thinking bad apparently this lady and her daughter have been spreading rumors about both of us around the neighborhood but after noticing that the morning talk was getting out of hand this lady noticed that it was just talk. I can't believe how it got to this. I tried switching bus stops they told me no, the principal is always busy, I see things have gotten better (i think) since she never gave up or literally disappeared. i am proud of her for continuing to standing up by not showing them she is weak but at home! is different, I have a dr. appt this month for her to talk to her in t! he event it is easier. I hope you all dont think im doing more on the blind side as a parent you learn everyday especially with teens. I am keeping an eye and trying to understand after all dont you remember being a teen and wanting the world to understand you. I was bullied all 3 years in Middle School as well but unlike her i never stopped them never had the courage to say anything just endure. the story is long if you want more contact me. i just hope i got to the point. Parents need to know what their kids are up to and some just ignore as long as they stay out of trouble and have decent grades. "

"great stuff vry helpful"

"I think that the bully should have been suspended"

"As one who was majorly bullied back in 1969-1972,I still haven't forgotton the cruel raviges of one Christy H.from 8th-12th grade. She was verbal mean and abusive,and would dig her talon fingernails into the back of my neck,then laugh cruelly.She was one of 'THE' popular crowd,so the teachers turned a blind eye,and a deaf ear. I HAVE forgiven her,and pray she isn't in a positian to torment others,even at 55."

"my daughter is a 10th grader this year and some ofher freinds from before are no longer her freinds and they get others not to be her freind, my daughter skipped her last period class to speak to the principal about this,never notifying me (parents) the constant talking about her continues one girl threw a tissue at her in class,principal again notified, a note got put in one of the bullies backpack, they were quick to assume it was my daughter, the principal put all these girls together in a room with no supervision verbal words were exchanged..but where was the principal in all this, how far do you let this go,my daughter a strong willed girl refuses to let them win she goes to school continuassly, i thonk i am worried more, speaking to principal today i am so furios this has gone as long as it has..what do we do"

"Bullying, a problem, yes. I believe bullying and peer pressure begins with the the schools and teachers 'activities' that can lower self esteem. Im thinking the teachers cant recognize the harm their certain activities can have on a young mind."

"So what is your conclusion? You left me on a cliff-hanger. No help at all"

"I think that bullying is not right, because you all have the right to be to yourself, to be in controll of our self. Who is they to call you out your name, who is they to tell you that you are nobody, Who is they to tell you what to do and when to do it or even how to do it. It's time to take a stand and at bullying and make it stop now. what do you want peace or haterd. Take a stand for onece in your life. I was a vitim at being bulled all the time. But now i am taking a stand to what's right!by helping other kids that are being bulled, you could be the next person that i help next!lets put an end to bulling starting today."

"My son is 5 years old and he just started going to kindergarten. He has gotten a few bad notes sent home because of hitting and not keeping his hands to himself. Would he be considered a bully? He has so much energy and sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm 23 yrs. old and he is my first baby. The daycare provider says that he is a perfect angel, but of course school is different.Does anyone have any advice?"

"First thing, schools need to take a no tolerance stance and have clear, effective discipline protocols in place. The bullies need to have a clear message that their business must stop now! This halts bullying in the immediate term, leaving room for the education efforts on prosocial behavior and bystander responsibility and safe school environment to gradually infuse the school culture. Too many experts are emphasizing the softer side first. Meanwhile bullies continue to get away with it and victims continue to suffer. Our family has had direct experience with lots of school communication and programs to prevent bullying. They just don't work if the school does not emphasize the hard side of enforcement as well."

"Parents, watch your children at school, get there without notice and find out. My son had a teacher who started the bulling, I found this teacher addressing my son with an abusive language making fun of him in front of other kids. Parents and teachers look at kids reaction, but nobody find the cause. Kids are treated as criminals, and most of time the bulling start by LACK OF RESPECT from caretaker to the child parents or teachers. This teacher use other children to attack the one he irrationally hates. Yes, teachers are humans and they also hate and destroy self-esteem on children. I discovered the how a hateful teacher can damage a child on early stage. Just on time to to act, and remove my son from this hell, here in Fort Worth Texas."

"well my grand daughter was constantly being bullied by a boy until i had enough after her coming home saying he hit her in the mouth , told principal he sat there and said oh he is flirting, and when i insisted this has to stop or i will file police report he actually started getting upset with me saying well if u do it will be out of my hands, so i never filed hoping he would solve this.The bully had alot of pink slips and my grand daughter none..the principal made my grand daughter feel like she was lying and felt with drawn until she decided no i am not the victim and i will prove it she question this bully in frt of principal which this should be his job. proving what book hit her and what color and asked principal to look in the locker and it was the bullies locker they found it..the principal never called me to say i am very sorry i shunned u and didnt believe u i will listen more closely to parents haha right . before all this the principal was going to give my gran! d daughter and the bully pink slips this is caught by one of the teachers who sd no u arent giving her a pink slip for being a victim..."

"Bullying is extremely damaging to the bully and the victim. Your article indicated that bullying is often a sign of problems at home; abuse and/or poor supervision at home and lack of self esteem. Bullying needs to be stopped. However, publicly humiliating the bully is not the answer. Helping the bully address his or her behavior and personal or family issues and learn alternative responses will help both the bully AND the victim. Subjecting people to public humiliation rarely improves any one's self esteem. If schools address the bully's problems of abuse and neglect the bully can begin to learn to respect him/herself as well as other students and the cycle of abuse can be broken. "

"As a parent of a second grade girl, IN PRIVATE SCHOOL PARTLY BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF BULLYING, I urge every school to adopt a ZERO-TOLERANCE bully policy. These unfortunate economic times may force my daughter into public school, and bullying is worse for those who come from Christian or Catholic schools and enter public education. I was utterly shocked myself, many years ago, at the behaviors tolerated in public school. My daughter and I discuss bullying each time we watch The Bridge to Terabithia. In response to the movie, she is amazed that children are permitted to behave in such a mean-spirited way at school, and has asked why are there no adults present during recess and lunch breaks to control injust behavior. She is fortunate now, but as corporate displacements continue, she may be forced into the undesired social environment of public school."

"No one gives advise when the school does not address the bullying. Could you please further this, as to what to do if your school does not stop the behaviour. "

"This wasn't very helpful. What would be helpful are some real ideas on how to help the victims and not focus on the bullies. I am a parent of kids who are bullied and they go to a school that doesn't take bullying very serious. An aritcle on what real and practical things you can do as a parent to try and empower your child would be helpful. Bullies do fail later in life == if you're older, you've seen it. But that doesn't help kids going through bullying. It is painful. Parents of bullies always seem to turn a blind eye to things. Also, younger kids who are bigger are a real target for shorter older kids. Somehow, the schools tend to think that bigger boys (some can be rising around 6 foot in 6th-7 th grade) should be more mature allowing older shorter kids to get away with a lot. I actually looked on your links. They seemed mostly geared for teachers. I am a parent and would be very interested in something I could do to 'arm' my child with good self esteem and tact! ics for bullying. Thank you."

"help needed here too in VA...a parent is bullying another child by way of slander and her threatening presence at the school all the time...the school won't do anything but restrict this child, but the parent is running her mouth, lying and saying all kinds of things so that this kid is shunned by other students...my own son who has been friends with him with no problems forever is now being mean to him because the other kids won't play with him because he's friends with this child....his mom is ready to move because of this other parent who has done everything but...gossip is bullying...slander is bullying...its not just KIDS who hurt other kids but PARENTS of other children too...if you think your kids don't listen while you talk about another parent or child think again...the school bus driver refuses to allow this child on 'her' bus...and has said this very publicly to many parents IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!! there is no basis besides an ax to gring between two adults...! where does this end? how do you end this type of abuse...the law isn't equipped to handle it...and to top it off the child is bipolar/adhd so he's supper sensitive to this crap...if anyone has suggestions let me know...I am going to the school this week and complaining about the other parent and the effects but have very little hope in shutting this woman up as she hasn't directly made threats or anything like that...she just spreads lies, conjecture and untruths...if a student did this they would be stopped immediately...but what to do with a parent who does this in front of any and all?"

"How do you deal with a group of parents who enjoy alienating your child. My child is extremely playful and fun- he is a normal bouncing 6 year old not any different than the other kids. My neighbor for years has labeled him and works very hard at excluding him. Yet, my child keeps knocking on their door trying to play with her child. She tells him maybe tommorow and then the next day she is busy with someone else. It has been claimed this mother is a control freak- and is - but to go to such extremes to exclude a child , label a child and to purposely teach her own child to say cruel things to a child in order to make her child and self look better - is cruel and a much older version of a bully . This parent invites other children -while my child is playing with them - and invites the parents over to her home- what is so absurd is the parents go - these parents go - how akward to have someone be so deliberate and yet watch grown parents also follow someone with such o! bvious intentions. I have older children and many mature parents that are friends- I have never met someone so intentional and such a grown up bully - I don't know how to deal with this woman and her backup and how do I keep her from affecting my child at his school?"

"very helpful in validating my reactions. my son and his classmate were hit in the genitals on purpose yesterday by and older boy. I reported it to the headmaster and he was appropriate in dealing with the bully. My son did not report it because I think he was unclear and confused about the boundaries. maybe he was embarrassed too."

"In this recent school year, the light came on that we had taken all of the childrens power away to stand up in a non violent, caring, supportive way for themselves and others. This needs more attention and we as adults, teachers, mentors need more information like this to help empower our children and to help those that are bullying to understand their own behavior does not get them what they are looking for."

"I am with 10-29-07, My daughters school clearly doesn't have this 'Zero Tollerance' policy. If the teacher didn't hear it or see it, 'it' didn't happen or they can't do anything about it. We have a boy who is in the 5th grade who has been in trouble and kicked out multiple times a year since 1st grade. They continue to do nothing. We have called the police and they also do very little. any suggestions?"

"I have 2 children and I think that when a child gets beat up and the school refuses to do anything constructive, he/she should be taken to a doctor and the police should be called (even if there are no obvious injuries) because that's what you would do if your child were attacked out in the neighborhood or in the city. What else can you do? Maybe a confrontation with a police officer will scare the bully straight."

"Our school has a zero tolerance policy. Teachers have a curriculum they incorporate regarding relational aggression. The principal's daily message to the kids incorporates a message about social interactions. We have parent gatherings/forums to discuss things going on at school and ways to help our children through situations. Bullying still exists at our school but there is much dialogue about it. I'd like to think that some of the 'mystique' is removed since the whole school seems to know the lingo, 'aggressor, target and kid(s) in the middle' ... I don't think it will ever go away, but I do think there are ways to deal with it and to lessen the impact for all involved. "

"Maybe we were lucky, maybe God had a big hand in it (of course he did), maybe it's my son's personality, maybe it's because we had good support from his schools, teachers (except for his 3rd grade teacher, who, I'm convinced, was the reason the bullying started), and administrators, maybe it's the way we taught him to handle bullying--I'm sure it was not just one thing but a combination of all those things. I am also sure that our son, who was bullied starting in about 3rd grade up until 8th grade, is now a fairly normal, well-adjusted (for an 18-year old in this day and age) teen. He has always been very bright, with a large vocabulary, and he has always and will always march to his own drum and that is part of what started the bullying in the first place. Other kids just didn't 'get' him. In 3rd grade, a boy came up behind him on the playground and pulled his feet out from under him, and he landed face first in the sand. Another boy in 7th grade used to run up to my son an! d scream 'freak' in his face in the hallway between classes--something that would disturb almost anyone. That same year, I also witnessed him being teased and bullied by several students while he was walking about a block from the school as I was driving towards them. I knew he was going to be OK when he walked past them, got in the car, crossed his arms, and said, rather disgustedly, 'They are soooo immature.' One of the things we taught him and talked to him about constantly is that it was not his fault or his problem or anything he did; it was the other kid's problem. We taught him that the bully was probably insecure and scared and possibly had an unstable and unhappy home life and that our son was just fine the way he was (and still is) because he had a happy, loving home. We also taught him to try to forgive and go on with life because life was too short to hate all the time. Now don't get me wrong, there were plenty of times that I was the one who didn't want to forg! ive the bullies, but my son consistently did--often to our cha! grine. O ne thing we learned is that it gets better in high school. He goes to a school where there are almost 3600 students from grades 9 through 12, and what we and he learned is that there were just too many kids who were too busy with high school life to bother with bullying him. We also learned that there were many more kids like him so he just didn't stand out anymore. Don't get me wrong, I really worried that it would get worse in high school because the school was so big, but it was just the opposite. He just sort of blended in. He also became a member of the marching band, and he has loved it, not just because he loves to play the sax but because it is a smaller group within the larger one, and he has a place to belong and be surrounded by other kids like him. He also took martial arts when he was younger, and although he is very much a pacifist and doesn't like to fight, he knew that if he had to, he could at least defend himself. He also learned that it was only to be used! to defend himself if it was absolutely necessary. Another thing we taught him was to be able to laugh at himself and to laugh along with the bully or even beat him to the punch (no pun intended). If you can do that, you can disarm the bully in many cases. You take away the amunition they were going to use to make fun of you, and they don't know what to do, and sometimes they just walk away. It worked more times than not for our son. In the process, he learned to be forgiving and compassionate for the less fortunate, and he learned not to take himself too seriously--or to take seriously the nasty hurtful things other people may say. He is now 18 years old and a senior. He has good self esteem, he is confident (sometimes to a fault), and he is strong in his compassion, his convictions, and his faith in God. He likes country/western music and dancing as well as swing dancing, he knows how to do some ballroom dancing, he listens to Celtic and bagpipe music (he has always wante! d to learn how to play bagpipes), he like to sing, he likes to! wear bo ots and jeans, he likes to cook, he likes to play computer games, and he wants to be a quantum physicist or study ancient languages in college. Best of all, he likes all of this stuff and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks or whether they like it or not--he just knows he does and so do his closest friends, and that's all he needs and it's good enough for him."

"My daughter was bullied in 7th grade, and the principal said,'I can't put a tab on her and follow her around everyday.' I replied, 'You don't need to follow her around. Take care of the one who is bullying my daughter and half the seventh grade girls.' That was in 1979; recently, at the same middle school, the superintendant was asked what could be done about bullying. He replied, 'Well, there's just always going to be some bullying.' I lost respect for him at that point. While it's true that there will always be some kind of bullying, his approach to accept that and do nothing is unacceptable. Much can be done if those in charge will take their heads out of the sand."

"Do you have information on how to do with an adult bullying children at school? My child attends North River School in WA and his bus driver is always harrassing and bullying some of the kids on the bus including my child. I have asked for help from the Superintendent and she continues to be mean to these kids with little discipline. Please offer us some support!!"

"My son is 5 years old and took money for a loonie drive at school as the teacher's request. Another kid (same age) asked him to give him the money and my son gave him all his money crying. Another kid that saw what happened told the librarian and the kid had to give him the money back, however when the librarian walked away the kid called my son YOU ARE A CRY BABYYYY!! and my son doesn't want to go back to that school. The teacher wasn't there, when the form they gave us says that they walk with the teacher to the library, basically nobody was watching them. I am very upset because nobody told us anything and we noticed my son was acting weird and finally he told us what happened and begged us not to take him back there. I was planing on talking to the teacher, since for me this is something that we are not used to it, my son is coming from another school where they are very 'under control'. I would like to know how can I teach my son to defend himself, he doesn't feel there! is anybody here that he can trust, any adult looking after them. Thanks you so much for this article, I think it is very good, however, if the key of 'antibulling' it's more control and clear consecuences of bullting, what happend when the school doesn't have that?'"