Ask the Experts

What Should I Do About a Teacher Who Bullies My Shy Son?

By Dr. Brenda Lindsey

Question:

My son has complained about his teacher for some time but I always have thought he just didn't apply himself enough or spoke up enough to get better grades. He says his teacher just doesn't like him. I talked to his teacher to find out the problem, and to my horror his teacher actually does hate my son and really didn't like me either. I was very gracious and courteous to her and told her that we'll do our best to help him to do better. What do you suggest I do? I'm very angry and confused that she is allowed to basically bully my son who is quiet and somewhat shy. Please help me!

Answer:

It can be frustrating when confronted with a situation like the one you describe. There are some steps you can take to try to resolve the situation in a positive manner.

Communicate with the teacher.

Try to narrow the gap between the way you and your son's teacher view your child. You can do this by writing a letter or by meeting with her again face to face. Describe how you view your child in terms of his strengths and weaknesses, and what you would like the teacher to do differently. The important thing is to focus on the facts and be polite.

Some amount of disagreement is inevitable.

As a parent, you want to build a healthy working relationship with your son's teacher. A certain amount of disagreement is inevitable because people have different beliefs, perceptions and interests. Most parents view their child as a unique individual with extraordinary skills and interests. When a teacher has a different point of view about your child, you're likely to feel disappointed and offended.

Learn to disagree.

In situations like this, emotions tend to run high on both sides. Disagreements can escalate into serious conflicts if not addressed in an appropriate manner and if left unresolved, people become angry, suspicious and resentful. Relationships can be damaged and a successful resolution is less likely to occur. As a parent, it is important that you learn to disagree without reacting emotionally to what has been said. When you communicate with your son's teacher, describe calmly the situation as you see it, and your hopes for improving the relationship.

Keep your goals in mind.

When you try to settle a disagreement with your child's teacher, you should have two goals in mind: to resolve the issue in the short term and maintain a positive parent-teacher relationship long term. By calmly communicating with the teacher, you're likely to come to a mutual understanding while keeping your focus on what's most important - your child's success in school.

Seek help if you can't resolve the issue.

If you've tried communicating directly with the teacher and you are not able to resolve the situation satisfactorily, you should contact the principal and explain your concerns.

Dr. Brenda Lindsey is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana School of Social Work. She is a licensed clinical social worker and has extensive experience as a school social worker. She teaches courses in school social work methods and educational policy issues.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment from a health-care provider or learning expert familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's condition.

Comments from GreatSchools.org readers

10/19/2009:

"What rose tinted world is dr.b living in. Actually its good advice to start and always try to avoid confrontation. There are times things can be worked out.Many will work it out, you don't want to make aa big stink or make wrong assumptions and jump to conclusions, but they will. And when you know they are dead wrong and they are lieing, and can prove them wrong, of course they won't like it and try to patronize and pacify you, intimidate you. These tend to crop up in mid-high school more as your student becomes more aware and realizes all teachers are not gems, and many are lazy and many have poor attitudes and the students suffer. But there are time when teachers and principal amd so will deny deny, and yes teachers and principals and admins will lie, they just call it a bunch of other names. They use the same old tatics. They call it damage control, they tried hoping you would by a pacifying you. They would rather have any angry mom or dad screaming on the phone, letting you say your peace and let it go so yhey can blow you off and keep doing whatever they please. Then next time they! will try to turn it on you or student. Operation smoke screen. Or they may be nice and correct the problem (temporarily ) so when Johnny comes home, the teacher was real nice and did this and that, in hopes you won't excalate to their boss. Then basically the same thing will happen with the Principal. He may try intimidating you once they know you see through all this and have documentation,etc. Hangin there, because they would rather deal with a screaming loudmouth on the phone say there peice and then not give a hoot or even laugh it off,over a calmer documented, professional demeaner type person, that won't allow them to work their najic on them. So you need to decide wether to cut your losses then you have to become sort of nice again, because you already confronted them and again aftraid in the back of your head retaliation. THEY BASICALLY WON. or go full tilt, if its worth it, and got the stomach for it. I was motivated by one thing my child's well being and I had proof and documentations. Most teachers do not have good logic, and are easy to have them spin their own webs of contadictions. Plus they forget that we and our kids know many of the students and their parents and parent staff members , some that work in the office even. But make no mistake while you may get others that empathize and would love to see justice they won't want to rock the boat, or draw any attention to them or their kids. The schools knows this they nore students and parents are afraid to confront them, or its useless. Unfortunately some places you have to argue,etc. to be heard, but more important document all facts , create paper trails, etc. Remember they are the police, jury and judge. They will never admit it, be accountable for their actions as they expect students to do. And unfortunately, more often than ever this is a teacher that it involves a high acheiving, volunteering, extra cirricular type student who never had a behavior problem, but for some reason the teachers wants to be a jerk to them. Best case is you called the teacher on it, and you weren;t going to let it go so that they take corrective measures, without any repercussions to child, I know this sounds scary but after you go up the food chain, they will be told by their superiors as much as they seem to back them up, to stop it, make sure you don;t mess with their grades, etc, and be if anything even more attentive, because my boss doesn't want to deal with issue anymore. Unless they are totally ballsy or psychotic t! hey will not risk their job ( unless they have tenure-lol). Its a shame when it has to come to this. I have always told in my two ebcounters to them/ If you just be honest and accountable, we can work with that, a simple appology and we will stop or correct the problem. No hard feelings. When a teacher can say they are sorry, you know they are a good teacher. This is the same we expect from our children. You will be amazed younger parents how more mature your kids are than teachers. When you have a good or great teacher, let them know. But time will tell as some teachers who are great to one ,will be mean and awful to another. "

06/8/2009:

"What does a parent do when the administration is bullying teachers, parents and students? Some parents have filed grievances about this and still nothing is being done. "