Where does it come from, and why do they do it?
The destructive behavior can start as early as preschool but tends to be most pronounced in early adolescence. In Queen Bees and Wannabes, Wiseman, describes the clique as a life raft for adolescent girls. "Imagine you and your daughter on a cruise ship," she writes. "Girls start telling each other the ship is stupid and boring and it's time to get off. As you watch helplessly, she leaves behind everything that is safe and secure, gets into a life raft with people who have little in common with her except their age, and drifts away."
Once she's on the raft, she's too far away from you and realizes her survival depends on bonding with the other girls in the raft. She's desperately afraid of being cast out. Wiseman uses this analogy to show the fear girls have and how they feel forced to act a certain way to be accepted by their peers.
"Cliques are self-reinforcing," writes Wiseman. "As soon as you define your role and group, you perceive others as outsiders. It's harder to put yourself in their shoes, and it's therefore easier to be cruel to them or watch and do nothing."
Of course, not all girls are nasty and belong to cliques. But whether or not they are "in" or "out," all girls will be affected by the actions of cliques because these behaviors are all around them. They need to understand how this social pecking order works, how they can act differently in their relationships and rise above it.
Technology makes the problem worse
Many parents downplay the problem of cliques, says Wiseman, and think, "Oh well, it's not a big deal. We had these problems when we were growing up." But Wiseman counters that it is a much bigger problem now. "We didn't have the Internet and cell phones when we were growing up," she notes. "We didn't have text messaging, instant messaging and MySpace." Technology makes it easy for kids to be anonymous in their meanness, and spread rumors and gossip like wildfire far beyond the school grounds.
Julia Taylor, a school counselor in Raleigh, North Carolina, and author of Salvaging Sisterhood and Girls in Real Life Situations, two curriculum guides for middle and high school girls, is equally concerned. "With the Internet and cell phones, with one click, they can ruin lives. And with the ease of use, they don't realize what they are doing, and they can't take it back."
What can schools do?
With increased demands on schools to increase test scores and improve student achievement, it's no wonder that behavior issues may take a back seat. But as far as Wiseman is concerned, there should be no excuses. "We need to create safe schools and deal with problems at the beginning rather than waiting," she says. "We can't act shocked and amazed that these behaviors happen with so-called nice kids at school."
Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, believes that schools need to provide a "safe and affirming school climate" for both boys and girls characterized by:
- Consequences for aggression that are inevitable, predictable and escalating
- Positive feedback to students, and a positive feeling and tone
- A staff who spend time with students, especially students at risk
Schools can work at changing their culture bit by bit, says Davis. "School staff need to believe that it is their job to forge genuine relationships with students. They can set a goal that each student should have a positive relationship with at least two staff members. In that way, the staff members model the behavior that everyone here is important and students get a clear message." He believes that when staff members discipline students for acts of aggression, the consequences they employ work better in the context of meaningful staff-student relationships.
In her work with girls, Wiseman found that many girls think all adults are clueless about what goes on in girl relationships. She works at getting them to understand that there are adults they can turn to. She advises girls in her support program to seek out at least one adult who can be their advocate. She teaches girls how to interview and identify which adults they can feel comfortable with, and then seek them out in time of trouble.
