By Leslie Crawford
Banging the piano lid shut in a crescendo of rage 10 minutes after practicing new scales. Crumpling up the algebra worksheet into a small ball of frustration. These are the times that try parents’ souls — those tearful and tempestuous moments when our children simply give up.
If these episodes are hard for parents to witness, consider how our children feel. They are trying something new and difficult and — in their minds — failing. In truth, this is an ideal teachable moment, when we can help our children understand that, no matter how new or difficult, challenges are achieved through patience, practice, and effort.
“Perseverance, or work ethic, is one of the most highly correlated traits of success,” says child educational consultant Michele Borba, the author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Persistence is something children need to succeed in school and life. A 2007 paper from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found the ability to persevere may be as essential as talent or IQ to succeed. The good news? Persistence is a trait that can be taught and learned. It’s just a matter of knowing how to help your children — and not giving up on them when they give up on themselves.
Preteens and teenagers benefit from regularly hearing about persistence. So teach them different ways to talk about problem-solving: “I won’t quit,” “I can do it,” and “It’s always hardest the first time, but it will get easier.” Borba also suggests coming up with a household “stick with it” mantra, explaining that families that maintain an overall attitude of “We can do it” tend to face obstacles and mistakes with grace and ingenuity. Some favorites: “Mistakes don’t get us down” and “The family that doesn’t quit!” Finally, tell stories either from your own life or ask your school librarian to recommend biographies about people who’ve prevailed and succeeded despite the odds.
When we see our kids having a hard time because they aren’t succeeding, it’s tempting to jump in to make it all better. But remember: We learn by trial and error. By giving them a chance to fail, we also give them the pleasure of succeeding on their own. The next time your teens or tweens have a problem and ask you to solve it, don’t. Instead, sit down and ask them to think of a solution. This gives your children time to cool down and teaches valuable problem-solving skills. And while it’s tempting, when playing games — be it Ping-Pong or Scrabble — refrain from letting children win just because they’ll be unhappy if they don’t. Playing fair and square teaches the important life lesson that, in games as in life, sometimes you’re going to fail before you win.
Children who have a passion learn the pleasure of practicing and improving at something they love, says Borba. Give them books on the subject. Encourage them to join a club or team that’s aligned with their interests. Not only are they learning firsthand the value of mastering something through effort, they may also be preparing for their adult vocation.
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