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Understanding Girls with AD/HD: Symptoms and Strategies

Girls with AD/HD often suffer in silence - and remain undiagnosed. When their symptoms finally surface, they can be dangerous. Learn what to watch for in your daughter - and how to help her.

By GreatSchools Staff

Mrs. Dawson's fourth-grade students assemble in small groups to work on a project. She asks Steven and Julie to join three other students. A mother helping in the classroom notices Steven is better behaved than during her last visit. While he still wriggles in his seat and occasionally interrupts a classmate, he doesn't pound his desk and talk non-stop like he used to. He also smiles now and is more cooperative. Julie is her usual chatty, polite self. She smiles and waves her hands as she talks to the group. Today, though, the other girls in the group seem annoyed with Julie. When the group session is over, Steven sits attentively at his desk in the front of the classroom. Julie's smile has faded and she stares out the window.

What's going on with Steven and Julie? Steven was diagnosed with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) four months ago. His teacher has made classroom accommodations, such as allowing him to sit up front where he'll be less distracted. He's taking medication and being coached on his behavior. His self-esteem grows as he succeeds in his school work and relationships.

What no one knows is that Julie also has AD/HD. She struggles to please others, but they don't seem to understand her friendly overtures. Determined to be a good student, she spends hours on homework because daydreams get in the way. Her self-esteem is sinking as she questions her academic and social abilities. Julie suffers in silence.

Squeaky Wheels Get the Grease

Many people think of AD/HD as a boy's disorder. In fact, some studies estimate at least six times as many boys as girls are referred to clinics for diagnosis. But field studies suggest that, in the general population, the actual ratio of boys to girls with AD/HD is 3:1. To understand why this disparity exists, we must understand how professionals have traditionally defined and diagnosed AD/HD - and how that view is changing. For many years, hyperactive and impulsive behavior was considered the primary trait of children with AD/HD. Since many more boys than girls fit that description, they've been much easier to diagnose and treat. This also explains why most AD/HD studies have focused on boys. Then in the 1980's, researchers discovered a population of boys who were inattentive but not hyperactive or impulsive. With this discovery, the definition of AD/HD was updated and now includes 3 different types:

  • Inattentive
  • Hyperactive/impulsive
  • Combined type (a combination of the first two types)

The inattentive type of AD/HD is harder to diagnose in both boys and girls since their behavior doesn't "give them away." Bright, inattentive girls often compensate for inattention by becoming super-organized or hyper-focused on school work. Such girls often succeed in school, but their private struggle remains a secret.

Girls who are hyperactive and impulsive are rare. Some hyperactive girls are seen as tomboys and have a better chance of being diagnosed. Other hyperactive girls aren't overactive in a physical sense; instead, they're super-talkative "social butterflies."

Set Up by Social Expectations

Having AD/HD seems to impair girls' social relationships far more than it does for boys. As Janet Giler, Ph.D., points out, "Males and females, in general, operate by different social rules...Female social rules place a greater value on cooperation, listening, care-taking, and relationship maintaining activities ...It would make sense that the traits of AD/HD might make females seem less cooperative." As a result, girls with AD/HD suffer more peer rejection.

Remember Julie? While friendly and well-meaning, she often gets distracted while a classmate is talking to her. She misses the other person's social cues, and doesn't respond in a desirable manner. Boys tend to be more direct with each other and resolve their conflicts more openly, so a boy with AD/HD doesn't require the same set of social skills. A girl who is both impulsive and inattentive is likely to commit many social blunders.

Mothers often expect their daughters to conform to the standards of society by being especially thoughtful, polite and compliant. If a girl has AD/HD, this can be a difficult goal to attain.

Comments from readers

"ADHD in boys and girls are kind of the same. ADHD is not gender sensitive, boys and girls can have the disease depending on the risk they have for having it. But I think that it is very hard when you only get to know that you have ADHD at your adolescent age because you might have a hard time coping to it. The situation of ADHD to girls is the same to those of boys but may have a little difference. "
"Thank you so much for this article! The story described my school experiences completely- I could draw you pictures to show you exactly the view from each window, but very little about what I learnt inside the classroom, other than 'it wasn't that interesting/stimulating'. I've also recently been diagnosed with dyslexia, which I found very hard to take on board (I found out in the november before my A levels, and my teacher's attitudes changed dramatically to a 'this girl is obviously stupid why do I bother' (or at least it felt like that), as a result of which I became (more?) depressed and stopped working completely. Thankfully, I got myself out of it and am now a Chemistry student, but still find it hard to sit and work. It is very reassuring to find its not just me who went through this, and to put a face to why I didn't find it easy to make friends. I've been doing a bit of reading around, and it seems fish oil (omega 3) deficiency has something to do with some of the problems. I've been on it for 3! days and already notice a giant difference. Would recommend looking into fish oil supplements- they've helped me enormously!"
"This article is an eye opener! My daughter who is now 11, was diagnosed with combo ADHD when she was 8, but now that she has hit puberity, it has intensified greatly. It is nice to know that this is perfectly normal and will work on finding her a support group. As an adult, I have recently been diagnosed with having ADHD myself. As I read this article, I see myself - suffering silently for years. All those nights I worked on homework for hours and hours, all those relationship problems - it all makes sense now. Thank you!"
"All children adapt differently to a variety of things that happen in their lives. I am a grandmother of 6 children & if you pay really close attention to your children, you notice how they adapt and then you act accordingly . This year, due to 'DRAMA' issues in the Elementary Schools & Middle Schools, my two oldest granddaughters, ages 9 & 14 had asked their Mom, a single Mom, about homeschooling them this year ('08 - '09). We researched and found all kinds of information and began our journey. I must say it has been an experience we will NEVER forget. For those of you that are questioning the homeschool idea...I would NOT recommend that elementary children be homeschooled. They need the social skills and the interaction with other children. My 9 year old granddaughter is AD/HD. She feels she has 'no friends' and becomes angry with herself and with us for making this decision. We realize now that the decision for her was not the right decision. We were not thinking about the! social skills, we were thinking 'academics' only. My 14 year old granddaughter has done very well on the social issue, simply because she is still very active with a few of her good friends from school. I will say that they both maintain an A / B average in all subjects which rarely happened in public school. So, homeschooling can be a really good thing, just remember to think of every aspect, not just the academics side of it. "
"My 'soon to be 16' year old daughter has inattentive add. How can I find a support group as well as a psychiatrist that can prescribe and monitor medication for her? She was taking Concerta but had side effects so she wanted off of it. She is now asking to take another med... how can we find the right support for her?"
"hi i'm a single mother of a very loveable 7 year old girl named selena who loves to play, meet new friends, go out and just have fun but struggles in school and often with her temper. Last year she would tell me how she didn't get along with most of the other kids in her class saying that they would talk about her and not want her to be around them, and that she felt like she just didn't want to be there. Most morning she would fight me to stay home and cry telling me that she feels that the other kids are smarter then her and that no one wants or likes her there which resulted in her being lifted down so she has to repeat the 1st grade again. I think that she is a very loving, sweet, smart child who just wants others to like her, and i've found that what they teach her at school she'll learn faster and get it better when i teach her it at home, plus at school most of the time her teacher would tell me that selena doesn't pay attention, finish her work and is often distracte! d. So i was thinking about homeschooling her and i was wondering if that would be a good thing to do, thank you angela "