Take a moment to think about your tween’s typical school day. How many times a day are they confronted with information that makes them think about their body in a way that can impact their body image? Getting ready for school? Check. At lunch? Check. When they watch TikTok or check their social feeds? Check and check.
Body image is how we think about our bodies — and it’s closely related to our self-esteem. If your son or daughter does not like the way their body looks, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness.
Preteens are growing and changing physically and emotionally. It’s developmentally on track for them to think about how they measure up to their peers. One way preteens compare themselves to others is their physical appearance. And research shows that body dissatisfaction is unfortunately quite common. A 10-year longitudinal study of 1902 youth from diverse ethnic/racial and socioeconomic backgrounds in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area highlighted a trend in which tweens are increasingly dissatisfied with their bodies as they move from middle school to high school. What’s more, all that time on YouTube, TikTok, TV, and other media is causing this distress. A 2019 British survey published by the Mental Health Foundation reveals that “four in ten teenagers (40 percent) said images on social media had caused them to worry about [their] body image” and 35 percent worry about their body image on a daily basis.
So at some point, your tween is likely to feel that some aspect of their appearance is “inferior.” For boys, the concern is often about acne, braces, height, weight, and muscle size. For girls, the issues are often acne, hair, braces, height, weight, body shape, the size of their breasts, hips, or butt. But your tween’s concerns may be more idiosyncratic: like feeling like they have an uncool walk or weird-looking feet. While their bodies are changing dramatically, preteens do not yet have the life experience to know that the size and shape of their bodies falls within the average range. Letting these concerns go unaddressed can lead to enduring feelings of inadequacy, depression, and eating disorders. The diagnostic manual of mental disorders (DSM-5) also includes a specific diagnosis — body dysmorphic disorder — for people obsessed with a perceived flaw in their body.
How parents can help tweens with body image issues
Thankfully, parents can help. First, it is important to listen and empathize with your child’s painful feelings. It can be hard to get a tween to open up and discuss painful feelings. Try to find quiet moments in the day when it is just you and your tween. Put down the screens and talk honestly about your day. When parents lead with honest accounts of their day, it can open up a space for tweens to share, too.
Second, when your child does share, if you suffered similar feelings as a child, this would be a good time to share your experiences. It is comforting for your child to know someone else (especially someone they love and respect) has had similar feelings. As you share, take care not to let your experience and how you handled it eclipse what your child is experiencing now. Find the similarities, and allow space for your child’s unique feelings and circumstances.
Third, it is usually helpful to point out factual information that bears on your child’s concerns. For example, if your son is worried about his arms and chest not looking muscular, you could explain that there are three different body types: slender, muscular, and wide bodied. About a third of men fall into each category. That means two-thirds of men will not have a muscular build. Also, you could point out that the muscular appearance does not mean a person with this build is stronger than a person with a thin or rounder body. If your daughter is worried about the size of her breasts, you could explain that breasts come in all sizes, just like other parts of the body. Usually if you have a thin body type, you will have less fatty tissue in your breasts and in other parts of your body. You could add that some girls may be envious of your daughter’s slender build. It depends on what body type your child’s peer group values, and keep in mind that what your child’s peer group values can change over time.
Do these facts magically erase your child’s concerns? Of course not. What you are trying to teach your child is perspective: the world is bigger than their friend group, their school, and even your town. When kids understand that all tweens and teens have concerns akin to their own, it can help them feel less alone and perhaps reduce their own preoccupation with their perceived inadequacies. It is important at this point to show that you understand these facts do not take away your son’s wish for a more muscular appearance or your daughter’s wish for different size breasts. You may also want to talk about how puberty can begin during elementary, middle, or high school. There is a wide age range for all of these changes. If your tween hasn’t developed as they hope to yet, information about what will happen and signs they can look for in themselves may help reduce their worries.
What if your preteen has not expressed worries, nor shown signs of being unhappy with their body? Are there things you can do to head off serious body concerns? Yes! One of the most important ideas is to be a positive role model. In other words, don’t say things like, “Gee, I’ve put on weight. I don’t look so good.” If you express negative feelings about your body, your child is more likely to worry about their own. Another proactive way to help is to admire your child’s skills, compassion for others, and efforts to help around the house. In other words, focus on showing your child there is more to them than their physical appearance. (See more proactive and healthy tips here.) The better your child feels about themselves entering adolescence, the more likely body image issues will be minor, or at least not significant. It’s like getting an inoculation for a disease, but in this case it’s an emotional disease!
Some websites recommend you sign your child up for a sport or exercise class. But try to see body image and physical activity as separate issues. In general, physical activity is good for children and adults. However, coupling exercise with body image issues can be harmful. Try not to think of sports and exercise as a “solution” to your child’s body dissatisfaction. Some children derive great mental, emotional, and physical benefits from sports and exercise. But your child’s entry into athletics should be driven by them and their desire to do the activity. If you push your child to join a sport, and your child is not asking to participate, you may paradoxically cause your child more stress, and not help them with their body image issues. If your child gets the message that you want them to join a sport or exercise class to “improve” their body, it could backfire by sending unhealthy messages about how their body should look.
How parents can help when tweens are teased about their body
If your child is teased about their body — or worse, is being called derogatory names on a regular basis — this can be extremely painful. You might then talk through different things they could do about being teased. Options in the moment include:
a) ignore it and act like you don’t care,
b) laugh it off,
c) thank them for the “compliment”,
d) tell them “Enough, it’s not funny anymore”,
e) say “Shut up!”
Another good option is to ask for advice from the school counselor. This may be especially important to do if your child is being called names on a regular basis. See what your child prefers to do. If your child can put their idea into action, they will feel a sense of self-efficacy, that they can take actions in the future to maintain a positive self-image.
When to seek help for body image issues
Parents have the opportunity to make a big difference in their tween’s feelings about themselves by empathizing, sharing when they also felt that way, providing facts, planning solutions together with your child, being a positive role model, and focusing on your child’s skills and efforts. All of these steps can help your tween build and maintain a positive self-image.
However, if your child is disconsolate, isolating themselves more than usual, eating less, binge eating, purging, adopting odd eating habits, weighing themselves constantly, newly wearing only baggy clothing, not grooming themselves, or obsessing about a perceived flaw in their body, take the additional step of consulting with a mental health professional who works with preteens and their families. These can be warning signs of a more serious issue that should not be taken lightly, and a mental health professional can help your tween and your family adopt healthy mindsets and habits. The goal of all these recommendations is to help your tween emerge healthy, strong, self-confident, and resilient as they enter their teenage years.
